Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Of Dreams & Waking Up

I had a nightmare last week. It started with me having an interview with an unknown company and my school science teacher was my interviewer. I dunno why, dreams tend to be random like that.

At the back of my head I felt that the interview was going okay, not superb but not awful either. When the interview was over, she gave feedback to how I performed in the interview which was really thoughtful because usually interviewers are arrogant and want nothing to do with you anymore after an interview. So I sat there, waiting for her to tell me something good when she came straight up telling me that she thought my interview bombed. As in, it was horrible and she expected more of me.

Imagine the shock I got. To make things worse, she told me that my english was really bad and I stutter alot and that I have to improve on so many levels. I woke up from that dream feeling humbled. To me, if someone tells me that my english is abysmal (Joey in friends taught me this), is like a person telling me I'm not malay. Or worse, my braces does nothing to straighten my teeth. It's got nothing to do with how I feel about my english, but it's more like I've been speaking it my whole life; so how can I be bad at it???! My very life depends on speaking IT. If someone says my Arabic or Chinese is abysmal, THAT I can take.

My dream ended with a thousand thoughts in my head, questioning whether is everything like what it seems to be? Or like what we think? There are times when we think we're doing good when suddenly reality comes down crashing on us. Another instance is that how we feel we're doing bad when things prove to be the opposite. That very moment of realization is a very humbling moment. And I hate it.

Because it feels like suddenly we're spinning off the path that we're familiar of, and nothing around us make sense. Of course this pivotal moment may only last 5 minutes to one person but it's still a mind vortex nevertheless. Then afterwards, we subconsciously change the way we think, and behave.

In those long drives during the rush hours, I find myself thinking,

If I were to hire a writer, would I pick me?
If I saw me for the first time, would I think I'm fun?
Would I trust a worker like me with all the work?

and the best question of all...

Would I trust myself to cook?

The last question is of course a 'no'.

All of this sound a bit "motivational book-ey" but how often does a dream force you to think philosophically? I had to get it out of my system. It's too tempting to sound like freaking chicken soup for the soul.

Side note: I love buying kurtas in Pakistan. They're blessings in disguise. Having a bad day? Put on a shiny kurta and you'll feel better. Wanna run out to the beach and don't wanna get restricted by normal clothing? Put on a kurta. Wanna look like Elizabeth Hurley? Put on a kurta! Where to get one? Click on this. Take a look around. I brought them back from there.
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