The other day me and my friend got talking about how things have changed in our lives. We’ve known each other for 9 years and have been through all the stages… the fun uni times, the stressful exams and projects, the ‘boyfriend’ drama, the first job drama, getting engaged, married life and finally motherhood.
Motherhood is unlike other stages, you go into motherhood like submerging yourself in water; fully and whole and there’s no turning back ever. Truthfully you’ll go into shock in the beginning but I’m not sure I’ve even recovered.
Anyway we promised each other to always be fun even though we have kids. I might barf at that now like it’s the most ridiculous thing that’s not possible. We promised to meet every other week and play tennis. Okay, double barf. And to leave the children with the husband to hang out sometimes. Triple barf.
I also naively promised myself not to change after having children. There are some things that might have semblance to my past life, I mean like still brushing teeth and taking a bath. Other than that, you know, I’m hanging on. I decided while I was pregnant that I would like to sort of take a year off my work and because of the nature of my work, I’m ‘sort of’ able to be a stay-at-home-mom while working. I thought it’ll be a pretty slow and enjoyable year. Boy am I wrong.
How do I describe my day? Wow it’s pretty complicated actually. To an outsider I look like I’m doing nothing the whole day. Even when hubs asked about my day, I have a hard time to explain.
Hubs: How was your day?
Me: *Cricket sounds* Yeah it was okay. I’m alive, I ate, I’m healthy. Naila’s happy. I’m grateful.
I used to launch into a 20 minutes monologue, you know, telling hubs how during bathtime Naila loved it but cried when I try putting on the diaper, then she looked at Chanel, she screams a lot. She bites her hands, I think she’s teething. Owh you know she made a big mess and I had to clean it up and I’m so tired. She made a mess when I was feeding her, the mess is still there, I’m sorry if the house looks like a dumpsite when you come back. She cries when I leave her, my milk is not enough! She also tore the peekaboo owl page, I’m so tired, but she doesn’t wanna nap yet! Bla bla bla.
You get the gist.
After a while, I felt it was pointless to describe. Because in a work setting, these things are called ‘petty’. Not the ‘bottom line’ or goal.
Then I tried to think about what was the bottom line of this whole mommyhood fiasco. I call it fiasco because honestly it feels like one. Like a mess. Why is mommyhood so hard?
I looked forward to when Naila is one year old, but this isn’t the long tern goal. Then I realize that it’s when Naila is ready to have her own life. To be able to make wise decisions by herself. Frankly speaking I’m looking at a 23 year project in the making. So everything that I’m doing is simply setting the stage to help her become the best human being and Allah’s servant :-)
Then I felt at peace.