Mind Purge

Some people are able to view the blank ‘create a new post’ page as their best friend, whom they can spill everything to. I, sadly am unable to do that. That’s why this is a rare moment and I’m going to enjoy it as much and as long as I can.

When I start feeling like I’m losing myself, I’ll be homesick and I need to go back to reconnect and rethink and center myself. In other words, I have to calibrate myself or I’ll go on a downward spiral. I was reaching my limit by the time weekend comes by, what with projects, assignments, book reports and the whole shebang.

It is 4.55am and I’m not asleep yet. It’s a very loong day. There was the boring class, the unbearably draggy train ride home, and the unexpected HUGE family gathering that I didn’t know about(and my parents played hosts, so naturally, I played the very much reluctant co-hostess.) Nonetheless I had a ball, it was fun! I mean when is a family gathering not fun? But at the end of the day, all I wanted is a quiet peace time alone in my royal bedchamber(pardon the Princess Diaries reference). And I got what I wanted, after what felt like the struggle of the century. I’m finally in my room.

And I think I’ve calibrated myself. I’ve organized my thoughts, I’ve put away unnecessary worries and anxieties and I’ve reconnected with my self. I dunno. Maybe I’m weird like that. Sometimes I feel so lost in the shuffle that I dunno myself anymore. And it’s very panicking when you don’t trust yourself with a decision or unsure of what you’re doing. I really admire people going from one thing to another without fuss or needing this “time-out”.

I for one, dislike following an advice without thinking it through and making sure it is what I WANT. So yes, I admit, this career week, on top of other million things has spun me off the orbit. I couldn’t make up my mind about what I’m going to do after my degree. On one hand, a job as an engineer in an oil and gas company is the natural path to take, given my academic background and qualifications. Notice I mention ‘natural’? And since when do I make ‘natural’ decisions? I honestly don’t think I would make a good engineer, if only the reason is that I’m not passionate about it. (PLEASE god. Future Employers, if you read this, do not penalize me because everyone is entitled to the thought process. Right? right??)

I don’t like being mediocre, and I fear that’s what I’ll be if I go on doing something I’m unsure about. Then there’s the question(outside influence) of me wasting 5 years of my life doing something that I don’t follow through. At this, I have to disagree because I grew up alot in utp. ALOT. Miles and miles. I could name a thousand things that has changed for the better over the past 5 years. One of them being the sheltered, selfish, pampered brat that I was but let’s not go into details. Remind me to make a list of things that have changed in 5 years.

And most important is that while I admire the work of an engineer, (kudos. hail. hail.) I couldn’t possibly be one. I had 5 years to think about it and I’m sure now. I’m not going to bombard Baker Hughes to apply for a drilling engineer position. US dollars salary or not, I’m not going to be bought by money, only to do something I don’t feel for.

Okayy It’s waay past my beauty sleep time. I need to crash. xoxo