Sunday, February 24, 2019

Shut Up and Drive

I'm usually quiet outside, unless there's something to say, by which I'm quite outspoken. You know, like issues. Lately I don't know who I am.. it seems like I'm morphing but I don't know into what yet. I believe our trials & tribulations really shape you to be your current self and I'm still discovering what I am. 

Watching my kids grow, I'm convinced of something. That we inherit personalities and tendencies. Like my 2nd born Ibrahim, who is a dead ringer of my husband. Nobody taught him to walk like that or behave like that. A tendency that I have since little is being a little feminist. Like trying to prove that girls can do this and that.. a little bit of female empowerment and encouraging other girls to do the same. 

So that's interesting. I believe to be successful you have to go with the flow of what drives you. It's not easier, but it helps when things get tough. Because your inner drive is forcing you to go forward even when the odds are against you. 

My life challenge has always been about proving myself worthy. It's funny, but my fear has always been that I become a nobody. When I was 8.. I remember our math teacher coming into the classroom to announce that we're having a congak test that day. We weren't prepped beforehand.. I did miserably.. It was for timetables 2 and 3. I scored 2/15 or something like that. 

I was so scarred that I remember the incident like it was yesterday. The fear of getting the answers wrong, and the fear of scoring last in the class! The dread, the horror. 

It was this incident that made me so intent on becoming an "A" math student. Just to prove that I'm not stupid and I can do math. And yes I also went on to do engineering, which again comes down to proving I'm not stupid in math. I STILL have trouble with congak. I get flustered if anyone asks me 34+59 on the spot. The struggle is real people. 

But after graduating uni, that's when I decided that I'm done proving my worthiness in math. Yes it sounds ridiculous but that was also why I NEVER applied even one engineering job after graduating. I went straight into sales & marketing. 

Proving my worth in this line is a totally different animal. 

So I'm just curious, what drives you to do what you're doing? Is it fear? Is it burning desire for something? 

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