DAY 16 Movement Control Order Covid19

Today is an especially hard day. I tried to be productive by updating my website but with 3 kids running around it's just impossible. I really lost my temper today with the kids. It's not really their fault, they have been stuck indoors for 16 days.

Yesterday we received all the toys I ordered from lazada. I figured it will keep them distracted for a while. Honestly I was never one who likes buying more stuff for the kids. In fact, their toys are quite minimal.. and we do toys rotation every few weeks. However, staying home and not going out for 2 weeks does things to you so I caved and bought them those toys.

I don't think it works any better than giving them a cardboard box to decorate. In fact, playing with cups, decorating cardboard boxes and drawing with youtube keeps them occupied longer.

I was mulling over the idea of sending my son to my parents who are 5 minutes away. We'll see how that goes.

The days are up and down. Some days are productive, some days are just a downer, but I notice it to be worse when I don't start the day with a 10-15 minute family exercise.

I really hope the mco will be over by 14 April. I really miss going to work, seeing people and some semblance of normal life. Take care everybody, let's flatten the curve.

DAY 14 Movement Control Order COVID 19

I believe we need to thrive no matter in what situation we're in. We as humans, the strong ones pivot and adapt to changes. And I believe that's what we need to do. I foresee a difficult unknown future.

In the immediate future,
what would working be like?
what would Ramadan be like?
what would Raya be like?
would we be able to hold big events again?
How long will this go on?

Just thinking about it and listening to the news makes you really anxious.

I've started reading quran in the morning again.
This is definitely a test and how do you fare?
Only god knows what will happen, and the only logical thing to do now is to turn to god.

Confide in him about your fears, about your anxiety.

We don't know anything about how things will pan out and I think I've accepted that. That's not going to change. This might go on for a long time, which we also don't know.

I'm ready for all possibilities.

Be strong everyone, we're in for a bumpy ride.

DAY 12 Movement Control Order Covid 19

The hardest part of the movement control order is to keep the kids occupied because if they're not, they'll be fighting like cats and dogs.

It's easy to be fixated on our lives within the small four walls everyday but I keep reminding myself that this catastrophe is bigger than all of us.

I cannot imagine running a business and having to close down for a month. Yet, still having to pay rent and workers wage. I know my previous business wouldn't have survived.

Me and hubs are bracing ourselves for a longer control order. We need to work on what we have now rather than thinking about going back to our normal. Otherwise it'll be depressing.

I've been throwing myself into analyzing stocks. When I'm obsessed, I'm obsessed.

I'm grateful for being in a position to help rather than be helped.

I'm grateful for my family
I'm grateful for my apartment
I'm grateful for cat
I'm grateful for my work
I'm grateful for my dryer
I'm grateful for my notebook
I'm grateful for the internet

I'm grateful to those working so hard on the front lines while we get to be safe and warm in our homes.
I'm grateful for our new rulers
I'm grateful for those working hard from home, teaching people their knowledge for free
I'm grateful for having food to eat.

Take care and stay safe everyone.
We can get through this! 

DAY 9 Movement Control Order Covid-19

3 days ago, hubs tested negative for covid19. That's a weight off my shoulder, especially when I started sniffling and coughing too.

Turns out its just a normal nasty cold.

The days are normalizing. I don't even have to think about what I'll do. It's now almost a routine. Either me or hubs will wake up to make the kids' milk. Then we'll do chore dance effortlessly. If he did the milk, then I start breakfast, feed the kids.

The kids will then shower for 10-15 minutes, usually a bubble bath request.
It's a simple mark in the day. Shower in the morning to start the day. Shower in the evening to end the day.

Yesterday I decided to start making more video content. I don't usually know how to ramble on for a long time because my monologue is in my head. However, no time is better than now to learn rambling about nothing!

I'm starting to form this routine in my house:

wake up, solat
make milk
read quran
make breakfast & feed kids while watching Property brothers or anything on HGTV
shower
give kids shower
Hubs start work via video conference
tidy up house
exercise with kid's video choice
Whatsapp time with friends/ family/ clients


===== 10.30am by this time

Do some kind of activity with kids,
usually to give them a choice.. artwork or toy rotation
sneak away after playing with them for 30 minutes
Start my work - more content creation & breaks in between to handle kids
Kids watch TV or play games on the ipad

===== 2pm

The boys nap for an hour
I'll read a book/latest news browsing during this quiet time
Order food or cook food
Obsessively browse latest world happenings
Whatsapp time with friends/ family/ clients
Let kids active play, jump run, physical activity

=====7pm

dinner
kids shower
final kids tv show
make milk
brush kids teeth
Kids bedtime

======8.30-9pm

By day 9, the situation is getting bad out there but I'm very confident with the way the government is handling things. It's starting to make me feel safe. BNM just announced a 6 month automatic moratorium on all loans which is huge for the country. 

DAY 4 Movement Control Order Covid 19

I cooked breakfast as usual today. Bread is finished. We bought two loaves before MCO and it's gone because my kids constantly munches on bread at home. Online Tesco order is full for the next week, so I have to go out get it by myself.

I went to the first 99speedmart but bread is out of stock. Okay, very convenient. So I went to another 99 speedmart. Also gone. One of the shopkeepers told me people fight over bread when the lorry sends them in the morning. I asked, "EVERY MORNING?" "Yup."

Un-be-lie-vable.

If it doesn't feel like an apocalypse already, that seals it. We rely on bread. I rely on bread. More than rice because rice is everywhere but bread is scarce.

So I went home with a plastic full of buns, cake and biscuits. I still have fish meat and fruits at home.

Had a covid19 gossip session with friends over whatsapp.

The kids made a mess, today is no exception but I let them. What else are they supposed to do?

I did some paperwork in the morning and completely forgot that it's saturday. 

It started raining at 2pm all the way to 5pm and the whole family nap together. It's been awhile since we did that because we are hardly ever home during weekends.

So far, I've been consistent on exercise this week, I think I need it to keep myself going. I did abs, legs and full body the past 3 days and the kids joined too.

Before the whole MCO, I have to admit that I didn't read any updates on the virus, only preferring to listen to the official sources. Funny when you're on restriction order, you simply gobble up every piece of coronavirus news fake or genuine and completely psyche yourself up.

There are moments that I simply take a step back and tell myself grounding statements. This too shall pass. covid 19 is like any virus out there. Be healthy and take care of your mental well-being.

Towards the end of day 4, I miss freedom ultimately but at the same time, it isn't too bad because I'm forced sloww dowwn. Everyday is gift and I'm taking it.

DAY 2 Movement Control Order COVID19

I don't think I'm the only one thrown by the sudden movement restriction order. It came suddenly as the Covid 19 spread like wildfire out of nowhere. In January, we decided to plan a holiday in March with another family.

The news of a new coronavirus appeared one week after we've booked our flights and accommodation. So we were very 50-50 on that turning into a reality. However, near the end of March, the cases remained stagnant below 100. I decided to tell Naila that we're going ahead and we started counting down the days on the calendar.

The cases then spiked to 30, 41 then 190 a day. I knew we had to cancel then. In the midst of cancelling, our new PM announced that we're having a movement restriction order for two weeks with only one day to prepare.

At the moment of announcement it felt like our lives were upended. I never do things half-heartedly. This mama is staying in with her family indoors for 2 weeks. Yes it's happening. Basically everything must be closed down except for essential services. So our week sitting in begins, and we're not supposed to even leave the house to go to the playground downstairs.

At times like these, I WISHED we're staying at a landed home. So I could at least let the children out to play in the compound.

Let's be real, 3 small hyper active kids under house arrest is not ideal.

Plus husband & I are supposed to work. One day before MCO, hubs came back and said his colleague sitting beside him was suspected of covid19. Then hubs started feeling unwell. I called the covid 19 hotline but was greeted by a really sleepy officer who told me that they will not do testing unless his friend is a confirmed suspect.

So there's that. Too much to process in a day. I think I thrive on routines. When the routine is disrupted I feel really lost. I know I'm supposed to wing it like many many others out there but it feels unnerving. I've never read so much covid 19 news as much as the past 2 days and it's easy to feel a little doomed.

Real estate and stock market are talking about a bear market. This is inevitable. This will be the first real recession I'll be going through as an adult. It's scary. My whatsapp hasn't stopped pinging from covid 19 updates from ALL groups. It's unnerving. I can't stop scrolling looking for answers from more experienced people in the industry and they're hopeful of a light at the end of the tunnel.

Yesterday was a somewhat productive day in terms of nurturing the kids. I distracted myself by cooking, cleaning up the house by mopping every few hours because you know, kids. I even finished editing a home tour video.

Hubs was literally out cold the whole day yesterday. Like he didn't wake up in the morning and continued sleeping until evening. I checked his temperature but it was fine. Last night he finally woke up and we ate instant noodles and watched the titans.

I woke up this morning in a blur. Like, what am I going to do today to entertain my family? I cannot let them watch tv all day. They've already finished the new puzzles and coloring books I've bought them. I'm supposed to get back to work.

I made pancakes for breakfast and announced that I don't want to cook anymore for the rest of the day. Hubs woke up this morning, announced that he's doing SO MUCH BETTER today. He took 2 pieces of pancakes and said your pancakes are good. And went straight to Skype meeting with his colleagues.

MEN.

He takes care of the kids and even housework but somehow I'm shouldering the responsibility in terms of activities, what to eat, kids well-being. And I panic if I don't work. As we go into MCO, I realize that my situation is vulnerable. I'm not supposed to go out for viewing. And if there's no viewing and meeting people, then there's no close. No close, no salary no money.

There's no guidelines as to what to do in a situation like this. That's why I'm going back to writing. When in doubt, write.

Today the covid 19 cases is at 110. No signs of going down yet. First 2 deaths happened yesterday. I hope everyone is finding solace that we're all going through this together. Stay safe & stay home guys! 

Feet In the Ground

In my twenties, I was so focused on my own problems. Going into 30s, It finally dawned on me that everyone has real struggles, most times even more so than me. And also sometimes, the world feels bleak, especially when you read too much news. I don't really read the news anymore. Except property updates and the only time I actually listen to the live news is during the budget presentation.

I'm slowly getting a sense of self again, finally emerging from the fog of diapers. Sometimes I don't know who I am and how am I supposed to act. I feel so young inside after going through everything. I'm still hopeful and I can see the person I used to be before the kids.

I think it's so important to retain a sense of self when you're going through tough times. I'm not talking tough times as in raising children, but a culmination of what happened in the past few years. It's so important not to be fearful and continue to let passion drive you. I'm hoping that the dark days made me wiser. At the time I remain positive and still willing to try new things.

That's why it's such a hoot to meet arrogant punks once in a while. My head is reeling with comments such as, "you've NEVER fallen, just wait. And you'll never be the same again."

Always be humble, keep your feet in the ground. Dig in and bury your feet even. If the slightest arrogance creep into your head, punch it dead.

p/s: It's funny I talk alot in my head. But it takes so much effort to talk alot in real life.

Third

Just a short update since forever!

I'm ganna come out and just say it! I'm preggers again! Lolz. Alhamdulillah. There are a few things that I planned on doing this year.. and to be honest getting pregnant again is not one of it. You can say it's a surprise.. I went into shock the first few weeks of finding out. I cried at the doctor's. 

Very dramatic stuff...

Hubs? I guess we went into shock in different ways. That's what I can say. 

Right now, we're.. getting there. Ibrahim is only 9 months old so this will be like the case of the Irish twins.. only different year. 

But again, alhamdulillah we have a lot of support from our families.. my parents and in laws, from daycare and from my wonderful maid. 

I worry about how would I balance my work & being a mom of three..... with 2 under the age of 2? There's breastfeeding involved. The time and effort needed is just wow. 

Ya Allah please give me strength to become the mother you want me to be. 

It's a process everyday.. some days are tough, some days are wonderful. I always remind myself that the babies will grow bigger so I better buck up. Actually since we found out about the baby many wonderful things happened.. we went to Krabi AGAIN. I LOVE my real estate work. Many many things that I can't express how grateful I am. 

My pregnancy is easy, again. No nausea or morning sickness.. I climbed Broga with Hubs & Naila when I was 3 months along.. 

I'm already 7 months along now and at most I get hungry alot. Alhamdulillah again. 

Ibrahim is 9 months old and thriving. Eating and playing lots. We're going to start sleep training him soon. 

I hope I can keep writing regularly. There's so many things unspoken that only makes sense when written down. 

Till then. 

Ramadhan & Third Trimester

I won’t be telling the truth if I said that Ramadhan this time around is not challenging. I’ve started to pray sitting down, and so far I’ve never missed a sahur. About eating habits, I’m used to eating often and I always always have a snack in my car and my handbag. And I usually bring a bottle of water with me everywhere I go, even in my bedroom at night. So fasting is a huge change for me.

For the first 2 days, I try to take it easy by just doing online work for De’ Bams. Physical activities make me soo tired nowadays. Even if I attempt to run an errand for a few hours outside, I’ll come back home as flat as a pancake.

Yesterday, I took an Arab family to view our shortstay apartment around 3pm. They’re looking to rent for a whole month. Normally, I don’t do viewings, unless they wanna stay 2 weeks or more. That morning, I did some errands for a few hours and got home around 12pm. Basically, I was already as flat as a pancake but I had to leave again at 2pm.

So when I arrived at the short stay some 15km away, I was expecting them to arrive on time but of course, keep in mind Murphy’s Law… when something bad can happen, it will happen… their Uber driver cancelled their request, so they had to wait for another taxi to get to my place. They arrived around 3.45pm… I had to tell myself over and over ‘PATIENCE’! At that time, my head was spinning and I was really feeling dehydrated. Travelling outside at 2 in the afternoon is no joke.. Temperature was a high 37C and you could feel the heat above your head.

The heat.. the fasting and carrying a pineapple sized human in your tummy is a bit too much for me to handle, I’ll admit. Thankfully, the viewing went smoothly when they arrived. And they confirmed the stay with us. Alhamdulillah. I love long term stays for one reason: I don’t have to clean up the apartment as often.

Hubs handles the reservations, so I’ve requested him to only accept long term stays in the next few months. I definitely want my maternity leave! That’s the downside of being self-employed. There’s no such thing as an extended leave. Taking a leave is a big effort and I won’t be staying at home for 43 days just taking care of the newborn. I’ll also have to do online work, paperwork, scheduling, delegating tasks to other people.. To top it off, there’s Naila.

Yeah.

My Arab guest who has 5 kids (aged 17 to 16 months! GASP!) wished me good luck with the new baby. She asked me whether I’m planning to have another one? Bwahahahhaha… My answer was I’m taking a looong break from baby making after this one!

On another note, I would like to wish Ramadhan Mubarak to all Muslims out there. May your Ramadhan be filled with mercy & forgiveness.

Meeting the one, Husbands & Babies

It’s getting to that stage where you wake up in the middle of the night and it’s hard to go back to sleep. Owh I remember this phase very well. The baby is squirming and kicking.

I was kinda lamenting my freedom in the first few months of having a new baby. You know, the multiple diaper change, feeding, burping especially in the middle of the night. Then hubs said ‘you wanted this baby’. That literally just shut me up. It’s true. It’s my mantra ever since we got married. 2 before 30. Paranoid I’ll be too tired by the time I’m 30… hahaha

I don’t know why I plan these things. I guess I felt like I had to fit it in with my other stuff like building a business empire (doesn’t go the way I planned it) and traveling the world (partly satisfied with it). Some people stumble into success seemingly overnight and that’s their blessing.

Everybody has their challenges and we can’t always see it. Darn social media for making everything look shiny and all glitters.

I’m ganna be honest here, I never liked babies. I mean you know, last time before I had one. Someone can hand over a baby to me and I’m gana be like, please somebody hellpp meee. I can’t see how people thought they were cute. I mean, CATS are cute. Babies… can’t see it. For sure NObody thought I would be a mom.

At least that’s the vibe I got. People also probably think that I’d be a shi**y housewife because I didn’t know how to cook and that I would marry late. In school I thought that I would marry late because other people had boyfriends and I don’t and I can’t talk to boys because I get nervous.

Actually that changed when I met hubs. The 1st time I saw him, he was more nervous than I am. I KNEW he was the ONE. For a while :) Then there’s many years of drama I don’t know how we even survived. Seven years. That’s how long we knew each other before getting married. Then the ONE wasn’t the one. But then what is he? Those were seriously confusing times.

When we finally got married, I thought to myself ‘who knew?’ And I’m glad, he knows me so well. He didn’t marry me for my cooking or housewifing skills that’s for sure. Lol. I’m glad I married that bespectacled, unemployed, alternative music nerd because he turned out to be a lasiked and working engineer 5 years later. Plus he tolerates my Taylor Swift binge and I caught him mumbling Wildest Dreams a few times. Love you hubs <3

And eventhough I used to be impartial towards babies, I think I did a freaking good job with Naila.

Pats on the back.

Okay now I can go back to sleep. Till next time.

Bump Update 29 Weeks

For want of a better word, bump update sounds better than pregnancy update. I suppose somewhere in the busy, toddler filled, whirlwind working mommy life, I don't wanna forget the fact that I'm actually also, irrevocably pregnant.

There's already tell tale signs of this one being almost forgotten if there wasn't so much reminders of how to take care of yourselfs out there. For the sake of comparison, the first time around I never missed a vitamin pill, even adding MORE. This time around, eating a vitamin is like a passing thought. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

But, to be fair, I did buy a pregnant lady-specific powder milk, just to compensate my cavalier attitude towards this pregnancy. I take milk--- fairly enough. So yay!

It's true what they say about a second pregnancy. They're almost always true, those stories. My pre-formed thoughts about raising the second one is also pointing towards fulfilling 'those stories'. You know, the one where the first one can't even go anywhere without me trailing, even almost growing eyeballs at the back of my head. And where the second one gets to pick up food from the carpet without me even batting an eyelash.

Oh no. I really really hope not.

That's why I'm doing this. To commemorate, to celebrate this pregnancy. Because somehow my body and the baby deserves it.

On to the Journal updates.

WEEK 29

I just checked the pregnancy calendar and will you look at that.. I'm in my 3rd trimester. This pregnancy is going by too fast. I remember buying that kit yesterday and looking at daddy's annoyed face when I didn't tell him I was doing a test. Same as during Naila's turn. Yeah so I'm a bit impatient.

The same as the first pregnancy, I'm starting to feel the panic. I know I'm a bit weird... Everyone else is just excited at having a new baby. I panic. It's the feeling you get knowing final exams is tomorrow. Thinking about the long sleepless nights, the bfs. Okay relax. Another 3 months to go. I got this.

We just found out you're a boy 2 days ago and that's got me a little excited. A little boy! No wonder I had back pains. It's what people say. Back pain, boy. Hubs was like, good job baby, we've got a heir. Lol.

Baby is almost 1kg. Doctor Norshida told me to continue whatever I'm doing. I only gained 0.5kg since last month. So I'm about 57kg now. Looking at history, my babies are bound to be overdue so we don't want him to be too big. Because of the whole > baby = > pushing.

My emotions are somewhat haywire. They swing like a pendulum. One minute I feel super happy, one minute I feel depressed. We're moving soon, so that makes me really depressed.

I don't have any cravings. During my first pregnancy, I woke up a few nights thinking about cookies & cream ice-cream. Nothing like that this time around. The baby isn't angry when it's hungry, not like Naila. When I say angry, I mean kicking up a storm in the uterus.

Energy wise I'm relatively fine. I swim every week, doing a few laps. Although I did get breathless the last time so I had to stop after 2 laps. I walk alot at the park, at the mall. I was more tired in my first trimester comparatively but we'll see how it goes as we progress into the final 3-4 months.

Same as 1st pregnancy, I hate pregnancy pillows or any pillows at all. I gave away my pregnancy pillow because I never use them. Hubs really took a jab at me when I bought a RM200 huge*** pillow last time but never using it. Well how am I suppose to know that I won't like em? Everyone else swears by their pillows to get through the night! Seriously -_-

Okay till next week!

Guiding Light in Darkness

I guess it’s that time again where I’m quietly lurking in a corner in the middle of the night writing some serious self-reflecting stuff. I call it lurking, because everyone’s asleep except me and the cat.

I think my weakness is not wanting to show people how upset I am, or how bad things are for me. I tend to compartmentalize the bad stuff until it doesn’t seem real until it’s just really bad. For example the fact that I was on the breaking point last year. I was handling the kid, the house, the hot & roll business & the homestay business. It sounds crazy, I had help with all of them but it was still unbearable.

But on the outside, I looked good, I wore makeup, I dressed up, I smiled and I showed up. Plus I cooked and I was a doting mom to my baby. I put on a façade to keep myself from crumbling. How crumbling was I? Well let’s say that I had evil thoughts of just dropping my baby to the ground and running away from everything.

I’ve no idea how to present myself as troubled. It seems like everything was going great, so how could  I even complain of anything? I just felt so alone. Like, nobody else knew what I going through, and who could I talk to? Ugh. I felt so helpless. I hated feeling that way.

In the end, we ended up hiring a full time helper. Alhamdulillah, it took several months to secure her, but we did end up with a good person. This solved 90% of my problems. I learned to let go. To let go of feelings of being the perfect mom, let go of being the perfect housewife.

To be honest, I now cook only whenever I want to. And that’s literally once a month maybe. Some girls really cook up a storm for their husbands and family, yes I feel a tinge of inadequacy, but what the heck, I was earning for the family and I can safely say that I manage the household—I choose the groceries, I choose the daily menu, I teach my helper our favorite meals, and I teach her how I want things to be done in the house. Then I let go. I also have to manage my jealousy of seeing my baby hugging and kissing her ‘ibu’. Yes, we taught my baby to call our helper ibu because you just have to respect her for taking care of us and the house. It’s about managing hard feelings, but at the end of the day, you gain so much more.

I don’t feel tired all the time anymore. I play a lot with my baby, doing all the messy creative stuff. I also have time to go for night dates with hubs. Exercise together. Eat together. Layan doing mint tea for him or something cute like that. There’s a lot you can do when you feel energetic. You learn to do work faster with more gusto because you wanna spend time with your baby.

I guess that’s why when people complain about their maids, I feel abit apprehensive. I hope they treat their maids right. I know first hand how hard it is to take care of a baby while running a household, so I always tell my maid what I expect from her but I try to be very understanding. And we talk a lot. I’m not exaggerating when I say that to me, she’s heaven-sent. Like Mary Poppins. Yes I felt like those lost and listless orphans. Except I’m the mother.

All I can say is that we’ve lost our innocence the moment we stepped into adult shoes. There’s no one to shield you from harsh realities of life, not your parents, not your hubs, not your friends, not your baby. It can feel extremely lonely in that little perfect life. Of course as a Muslim, I have God. He’s my strength, He’s my guiding light in the pitch black darkness. And He brings me out of it, everytime. I’m very thankful.

What? We’re Mar-ried!! Okay? Married!!

Happy 6 months pregnant to me! I know I know I’ve been neglecting the blog for a long time. There’s also been a severe lack of photos as of late. I’m more content of people taking my photos than me taking my own. And when I said ‘people’, most of the time I’m referring to my husband. And hubby does not take photos ever. Pronto.

If one day we look back, he’ll be like, ‘hmm I wonder why we didn’t have more photos at that time.’ I’ll be like, ‘Well I was busy being preggers, what’s your excuse?’.

No I’m serious.

For all the enthusiastic purchase of an SLR camera, lenses, a compact camera, a polaroid camera; we’re pretty pathetic at actually using them. In fact year 2013 is pretty much summed up in my iphone camera album. Which the last time I counted was about 700 pieces. Then 600 of them was from year 2012. And most of the remaining are photos of my cat and other people’s babies. Oh--and the sky. Like I said, pathetic.

On a different note, lately I’ve been annoyed at people thinking that I’m younger than my age. Like, student young. Sometimes I even pass as a form 5-er. Annoooyed. Another implication of that is people thinking me and hubs aren’t a married couple, instead merely a couple.

Like the other day when hubs got admitted into the hospital for food poisoning. He stayed for 4 days. Half of that time, the doctor and nurses were rude to me. Rude as in, when coming for hourly checkups, the doctor doesn’t even look at me while explaining. While answering my question. And the nurses come in with surly expressions only annoying oranges are capable of giving.

So it turns out that they thought we weren’t married. They thought we were students. And imagine what they were thinking when they saw me on hub’s bed beside him. We were watching TV okay. We nerds were watching National Geographic okay. Anyway the nurses couldn’t have looked more sour. Lemons couldn’t be that sour.

Sheesh they could’ve looked closer at the STATUS on the form hubs signed before being admitted. They could’ve but they didn’t. How’d they find out? Because I casually mentioned ‘my husband’ to the doctor and you wouldn’t believe it, she actually responded with ‘husband? OWHH HUSBAND KERR’. So then I supposed she finally checked his patient file thoroughly because the next time she came, she was all smiley and chatty. Same goes with the nurses.

You can say that I’m glad that I’m starting to look pregnant because hopefully that would stop people from thinking we’re merely college couples. Though the other day, a pakcik actually asked whether I’ve got a boyfriend or not. Seriously dude? Owh I felt like flashing the guy with my bump and say pokcik I’m closer to 30 than 20, I’ve been married for 1 half years, and I’m 5 months preggers! Though that would be extremely unlady-like and would probably get me in trouble for harassing the elderly.

So I just simply smiled and said, I’m married, uncle.

The Waiting Game

Hi all!

You know how, after graduation from uni, relatives will start coming to you asking when you’re getting married?

Or how after you’re married, they’ll wonder when you’ll have children?

Wellllll…….. after pulling so much hair in the past stressing over things people say, I just simply decided that I couldn’t care less.

We have our reasons and you wouldn’t understand even if we explain it to you.

Do you remember finishing high school and having palpitations over the exam scores? And gee will I get that uni/scholarship I applied for? Stress no 1.

Once you go into uni, you often ask yourself, what if I fail? Stress no 2.

After graduating, you palpitate over job interviews and start listening to other friends having clinched a super job in a multinational company. What of me? Why am I so unworthy to get a good job? Ring a bell? Stress no 3.

Everyone’s getting married. Stress no 4.

Everyone’s having a baby. Stress no 5.

Their baby is standing up, mines not yet. Stress 6, 7 8 infinity.

For me personally, I drew the line in college when I knew that I couldn’t win against expectations. And so I stopped comparing, and started strategizing. It’s not an accident that I never applied for a single engineering job anyways. I just made up my mind in the second year of uni, while all the time trying to keep my head above water in exams and can’t wait to finish the degree.

I just think that once you learn to listen to the beat of your own drum, that’s when the magic happens.

Do I get green with envy when someone travels around the globe and having worked in a multinational company? Yeap.

Do I get green with envy at wives who could cook effortlessly for their husbands and family? Yeap.

Do I feel pressured when asked certain questions, which some are downright inappropriate? You betcha.

But then again, my life is pretty swell. At the end of the day, I’ve got my loving family, my chanel, my little bun, my little apartment, my fishes and plants. That’s not to mean that I won’t get my dreams in the future. I mean who knows right?

You just have to learn to desensitize yourself from people’s opinions and expectations. Sometimes it’s your own expectations as well.

Just an advice, when you find yourself stressing over something you don’t have control over, well—just stop. Because as muslims we’re taught to work hard, then leave the rest to God.

So when you’ve worked hard, and nothing happens, that’s usually God’s sign of saying to you ‘it’s not the right time yet’.

So stop stressing, comparing or envying!

I’m ganna leave you with a quranic phrase that has kept me going all this while:-

"There is no creature on Earth except that its sustenance is upon Allah. He knows its habitation and its repository. All is in a clear Record." [Sûrah Hûd: 6]

Peace and Salam!

Dear 30 Year Old Me

It’ll be less than 5 years from now, but I hope you’re not the same person as I am now (I hope you look as young as I do though!) I hope you are 30 times better than I am now, someone I can look up to. I don’t know where will life take us. But I do know that you’re still dreaming big and aiming for the stars.

So how’s the family doing? How’s Chanel? Any kids yet? Will our first be a boy or a girl? Am I juggling work and family well? Is the husband working for a multinational company in a high flying position? So um, how’s the mandarin going? Are we healthy? Do we still go on weekend hikes or exercise together? Do I finally cook a mean soto ayam? Have we prepared for Haji? Are we living the life???

I know, too many questions. It’s like a good book I guess. You read chapter by chapter, trying to guess what’s what but you end up with more questions than answers. That is, until you get to one point when everything is revealed. I wonder if everything will be revealed at 30. Or maybe that’s just too young still. Maybe when I’m 60 or 70 I’ll be able to look back on my life and smile. It doesn’t matter. I just hope that you’re on the right path and that you’re happy.

I hope you’re treating both sets of parents well. I hope you make husband’s favorite mint tea everyday and still be his best friend. We’ve long established the secret of togetherness yeah? It’s honesty. Always, always. SHARE. Tell the truth. Communicate. Ego-less. Patience. Try not to be so annoying when you argue. Don’t try to be such a smart-a**. For goodness sake don’t go on a rampage because you’re making things WORSE. Have you learned how to say sorry without looking like you’ve just tasted a pinch of lemon? I really hope so. You have to be better than I AM.

I know you hate to look back. But don’t forsake where you come from. Don’t ever forget the people who left a mark in your life. Always have fun. Remember first year in college when you got stuck in Ipoh during midnight with friends and you took a shoddy cab that drove too fast, has no air cond or seat belt with a door that wouldn’t close? You and your friends were kinda terrified but laughed so loud once you made it back. Ok bad example, that was potentially dangerous.

Don’t forget God. Remember that you’re returning to him sooner or later, so get your act together.

Well you know I could write forever but mostly it'll be questions. You can’t help me out with that, can you? Because you’ll have your own questions then. Whatever it is, whatever life throws at us, I just hope to be steadfast and be the best khalifah we can in this world. That’s the reason why we’re here anyway isn’t it? We’re merely weak human beings on this vast land. Everything that we own while alive means nothing when we die. The only thing that matters is how much good you’ve done while living. O I really hope you’ve shared a lot of goodness. Inspired people to be their best. That sort of thing ya know?

Last words, always have the courage to be yourself ;)

In Retrospect

Everything, if ever, anything could only happen if God wills it to happen. Sometimes, you actually do feel a force bigger than you pushing you forward. If He created the cosmos, the stars, the universe, and one special planet, the earth for us; you can bet He can make anything possible. Sometimes you feel lost and that’s when you start seeing the truth—about life, dreams and consequences. Sometimes people’s prayers for you is stronger than your own prayers and that may be the reason why you are where you are.

Success is really a combination of many things and is never your own. Failure however is your own fault and nobody else’s. Realizing the reality makes things easier… all you have to do is work hard and be humble. Share the fruits of your success. Who could hate somebody who’s given them so much without asking anything in return? They would only pray for your further success in life.

My parents flew off to Makkah 5 days ago. It will be their second Hajj. In the car I kept asking myself, could I do my first haji before 30? My parents left me & brother aged 5 and 2 behind during their first Hajj… could I do that with my future children? Could I leave my children and businesses and belongings to God’s mercy while I travel to do Hajj with my husband? Could I give precedence to Hajj over buying a 4-wheel-drive of my dreams? Questions questions. I suppose that once you learn the real truth that you start asking yourself hard hitting questions that before you felt ‘too trivial’.

Truth is, ever was, is that life on planet earth is like dust off your shoes. Just a passing phase in your eternal lifetime. Truth is, we will be given an eternity to be picking apples. Another eternity to sleep. Another eternity to have scandalous rendezvous’ with fairies. Sounds out of the world, because it is. The sooner we realize what’s the point of being alive, the sooner we get our lives back on track.

Ask the right questions, get the right answers. Search for conviction, you’ll find conviction.  

Wallahualam.

Have a blessed Eid-ul-adha everyone!
xoxo

Fortunate

In this life there’s always somebody better than you. Their job, their clothes, their cars, and their life. When you start to feel a little bit better because of your career change, for example, somebody else gets a raise.

Or when you’re planning to go Umrah, somebody else beats you to it by two years.

It’s never going to be enough isn’t it?

So when I saw the state that some kids grow up in, I felt humble. Because they’re living on so little, yet they’re so happy.



Yesterday I was fortunate to have visited Madrasah Hashimiah—the boarding school for Myanmar muslims and Rohingya refugees.

The state that they’re in… I’m living like Queen Elizabeth compared to them. To them, sleeping on comforters and eating capattis are a luxury.

Imagine not being able to go to school or to work because of the refugee status. A refugee basically means that they are stateless. Being chased around like slaughtered sheep. They’re chased out of their country and our country doesn’t recognize them as citizens.

That’s not the worst part. Having no identification means that they’re also NOT eligible to receive zakat nor money from any government agencies. UNHCR can only help so much by giving the temporary ‘refugee’ status cards.

They are mainly funded through the founder’s own sweat. He teaches quran recitation classes to pay for most of the school’s expenses. ok masyaallah. The rest is funded by caring individuals. Even so, most of the time they lack funds to properly manage the school/orphanage.

It’s clear that they’ve been through worse. One kid relayed to me that they paid a lot to flee their country and that they hid in car bonnets at immigration borders. Most of them have similar stories. They can’t go home.

Do you know what made me feel ashamed though? They are happy and joyous. Well, at least they seem to be, most of the time, more than me.

The reason why I’m writing about this orphanage is not to highlight what I did, but rather for us to reflect on our lives and objectives. It’s true that life is short. Fact is, life is merely but a test. Money should not make us happy, nor should it make us sad. Money does not dictate us. We should use the money to make a difference!

So what will guarantee us happiness? Two words really – good deeds.

“Then, as for him whose scales of good deeds are heavy, he will be in a happy life.” (101:6)

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P/S: For more information on Madrasah Hashimiah, please visit their blog or call Muslim Aid office 03-22881996 (attn:En Muhammad). Donations to the orphanage can be tax exempted.


P/P/S: A huge thanks to En Muhammad of Muslim Aid for answering all our questions and giving us a tour of the kids’ humble abode. He is clearly concerned about the orphans’ wellbeing.

Hijab: To wear or not to Wear

I’m not considering whether to take off my hijab or not, don’t worry. Not even close.

I questioned what open mindedness was in a past entry. I think that open mindedness is accepting how people are, and how things happen even though it might not be like what we’re used to. But morals are morals, religion is religion, and crime is still a crime.

Just when I thought I’m in an open-minded environment, somebody had to mess it up.

Exhibit 1:

“If you wear your tudung, how want to do business ah? You should take it off”…..

Wow really? Wearing hijab does not in any way hinder my ability to work, and if you are required to show how svelte your curves are at work, you might as well pay a model to do it. Then you probably should just open a modeling agency. Then I hope you go bankrupt.

As much as I wanted to tell him what bullsh** he was talking about, and that he should sod off; instead I told him, then what if somebody came and told you, if you wanna be rich, you cannot wear pants at work. He laughed and said of course la cannot. Exactly.

If you consider race, gender, academic qualifications, height and others, wearing hijab is really the least you should worry about affecting your work performance.

As Black Eyed Peas aptly puts it:

But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate

So don’t discriminate! Peace ya’ll!

Thoughts On Marriage & Stuff

*WARNING* Lots of random blab and exposé ahead!

I just got back from a really really really really good…a w forget it more than friends’s sister’s wedding reception. It’s the wedding season again. A few friends got hitched and one got engaged all within last month. My veeeery close cousin got married when she was 21 and she’s now mom of two cute little guys and one of my best friends got married around the time I was busy doing project reports and she has a daughter who’s two this year.

You know, everytime I hear someone getting married, I will be like, good for them, I wish them all the best. I don’t like the idea of getting married too early myself and I don’t really like the fuss and the money spent on making that “wedding of the year”. I actually like the idea of kawin lari to escape the money expense and all that jazz but it’s easier said then done. It would be good to kawin lari, then update Facebook status over the weekend: married.

Getting married is like getting a job placement. And you’re one of those people waiting to get a job. You know the buzz you get when you hear someone has “gotten a job”. OH THE HORROR. WHen am I ganna get a job?????? WHen is the company ganna call me???!!!!!! WHen when when!!!!! JUmp out of the building!!! Well not quite.. but close.

I’ve learned through experience… don’t rush anything. Don’t rush getting a job, don’t rush eating, don’t rush on the road, don’t rush to the toilet. Just don’t rush!!!!! But at the same time, you’re ganna be like, oh god. When’s it my time. But really you’re just comparing yourself to other people, and not really considering your position. By “your” I mean, “my” ok? Just to get that clear.

So everyone’s so gung ho bout getting married, but what happens after? Can I imagine living with the same person until I die? Like, I get bored of seeing the same person in my face everyday so how do I handle living with that person for the rest of my life? What about money…. do I have enough to stay married and to buy a Volkswagen Beetle? Research says wait until after 25 to make a rational decision about getting married to avoid divorce or *cringe* kahwin dua so is that how long I should wait?

The reason why I suddenly felt like talking about this topic is because how do I start. I knew this one guy since I was 16. To put it lightly—we’ve long established ourselves as more than friends—so long that this will be the 7th year. HM. 7th year itch. Like that Marilyn Monroe movie. OK so 7 years is not short, in fact it’s so long that the 56k modem has gone through many makeovers that it’s now UNIFI. Bush has become Obama. My friend broke up, found new guy, got married, pop out a kid and moved to Pakistan. That long. OK?

And today, for the first time in that close to 7 years, I met all the members of his family. FIRST TIME. Boom. Learned their faces half a decade ago, and knew their names and meeting everyone in the flesh. SEGAN. TAKUT. OMG. OVEREACTING MUCH. Salam2, eat, take pictures, eat, salam2, thanked everybody, and there you have it, I’ve just revealed another milestone in my life. Welcome 2011!

Thanks for reading. Signing out!

On Crying at Singing Stewardesses and More

I don’t know. What makes you cry? Is it the last Titanic scene where Jack dies? Is it when your cat dies? Do you cry at commercials?

Last week I found myself tearing up to a visit Malaysia commercial, which is weird, I know. There’s a monologue in my head: if I’m an old lady now, I would be so proud that Malaysia has come this far. Look at that, Malaysia looks so beautiful and welcoming. The people are all hot. The food is 5 star choice. What’s not to love in Malaysia? I think I was overwhelmed by this super patriotic feeling.

If Malaysia government wants everybody to be patriotic, they should start sending people to other countries on vacation. I would vote a hundred times for that clever government.

Anyway, this happened on the plane back from Beijing. Thank god nobody saw because that would be an embarrassment of the century. Crying at a Petronas ad, yes maybe, but crying at a tourism video?

Ok so last week I was all “where to find winter bootzz???” So I asked around and everyone pointed either to Aldo or Nine west and stores like that. But actually I was really looking for Ugg boots. You know, them comfy fur winter boots? Unfortunately, no one had any idea to find them. And I was stupid enough not to pick one up in New Zealand. (arghhhh!)

So, I went to China wearing tennis shoes. There, it was like heaven. There were not only Ugg boots, but all the boots that I posted and more! And cheap! Well, cheap-er.

I got these babies!

I got myself Bailey Button Uggs! WEEEEEEeeee victory dance!!!!

As for the question whether they’re real or not, no, I don’t think they are, because of the price. Real Bailey Buttons costs around RM 465 but this is half price. BUT. I know it’s real leather and real fleece inside and branded to look EXACTLY like Ugg boots. I’ve checked every inch. So who’s to say they’re not Uggs? Hm? Hm?

Next up: Beijing trip post! Starting to look like my life is one big vacation, even gotten not so nice remarks concerning my FB. But I’m telling you here: life is not a bed of roses for anybody. What they gain, they lose in other parts. Therefore, don’t judge before you ask! Asking is fine, asking is goooood.